This first four weeks of the season have been excruciating. A slew of insults added to injury has left many people eager to forget about this season. When yo momma jokes hit home, email tone instigates a work day panic attack, and people take Bill Simmons comments seriously, you know society has turned itself upside down and entered a bizarre nihilistic world where having no quarterback is better than having Tom Brady.
But like Jamaal Charles on Monday and Eddie Lacy last night, there is yet hope...that your opponent won't set their line up, so it's time to shake it off!
Here are the standings:
1. StarsAndBars 4-0-0
Jamie is gettin’ lucky with Andrew Luck, the highest scoring player and QB in fantasy this year. It wouldn’t be a surprise if Luck and Manning get cozy at the top of the scoring list.
2. YoMaMaCare 3-0-1
Yo momma is so dumb that I beat her in fantasy while playing Cam Newton. Anthony is running shot gun in the league but with an injured QB at the wheel. He just pulled off a high risk/high reward trade to acquire Shady McCoy, so that move may determine how long he stays undefeated.
3. Reggie Bust 3-1-0
Dana is putting his namesake to the test this week. With almost all of the Lions’ RBs hurt, Reggie Bush will have a chance to prove if he was worth drafting. But if Aaron Rodgers is back to form with Jordy Nelson, Dana could be dancing into the playoffs.
4. A Fighting Chance 3-1-0
Tom is in 4th place shunning any and all bonus points, and he won't shut up about it. With Russell and Beast Mode, he is riding with the Super Bowl Champion Seahawks and their unique training techniques.
5. Diplomatic Immunity 3-1-0
Giovanni Bernard sounds like either an international man of intrigue or a seminal work of gay literature, so it's befitting that he's David's best player. This fantasy rookie is comfortably in the top half of the league while also managing to pull off a beautiful wedding without a sweat.
6. The Supremes 2-1-1
With the most points in the league, Betsy has been on a war path, running over any who stands in her way. Like Anthony Kennedy on a split Supreme Court ruling, Betsy has been a tough swing vote on league votes, so b-beware if you cross her. Also if Eddie Lacy lives up to anywhere near his expectations, then Houston we have a problem.
7. Melissa's Team 2-2-0
Don’t be fooled by Melissa’s seemingly nonchalant management style. She just casually has the best two running backs in fantasy and could beat you without a full lineup. Well, actually that backfired for her last week (only by 3 points), but if we know Melissa, it’s a marathon, not a sprint.
8. Rose's Linebackers 2-2-0
M. Ryan, D. Bryant, and E...mmanuel Sanders go together like pork sausage, lychee, and habanero foam! Here’s hoping Billy’s team can stay healthy, and that I can come up with a gnocchi simile for the next post.
9. Sunday Funday 2-2-0
This season has been rough on Lauren. Her Washington National Football Team is struggling to say the least, and she autodrafted two Eagles. Her contempt of all things Philly was clear when she benched LeSean McCoy for Shonn Greene last week (losing only 0.7 points). But this is a new week for Lauren, having shipped off McCoy for Broncos back Montee Ball.
10. The Two-O-Tude 2-2-0
Patrick is also dominating at life by getting married last month. Fantasy-wise, life isn’t as joyous with a .500 record. Patrick needs Drew Brees to wake up soon to get back to the top half of the league.
11. Covert Action 2-2-0
Weddings, weddings, weddings! Krittika tied the knot last weekend, and just in time, because her fantasy team needed some love. She drafted RGIII and Carson Palmer who haven’t played since Week 2, but she’s spending the week in Hilton Head, so who's really losing at life?
12. A Warren G. Thang 1-3-0
Jon Stern has been moving and shaking this season, and it has brought him all the way to 12th place! Don’t feel too bad for him though, Jon got married too and is head over heels for Bishop Sankey (and Katie Mus).
13. DC Khaleesi 1-3-0
Miranda has had to watch her players get hurt week after week. She’s made some serviceable waiver wire pickups including the aptly named B. Quick. With the Broncos off their early bye week, we should fear Miranda, Peyton, and the Broncos.
14. StreetcarNamedDeSean 1-3-0
Luke winning the pre-season Best Team Name poll has been the highlight of his year. He is the unlucky owner of Adrian Peterson. He did get hitched last week and owns Matt Asiata, so Luke’s fighting on unabashed.
15. DC Mad Libs 0-4-0
Billy Gallager has the unfortunate distinction of having the most points played against him this year. Between Tony Romo and Eli Manning, Billy’s been riding a QB carousel so far. Billy does have a good receiving core, so perhaps a trade could turn his season around.
16. Gruden's Grindr 0-4-0
It’s the worst when your favorite team sucks and consequently your starting lineup made of your favorite team sucks. Such is life for Amanda and her beloved Tom Brady who just needs a hug. On paper, Amanda’s team looked good at the draft, but it may be time for some changes.
