Settlers of Cap Hill Quarterly - The Why Can't We Be Friends Edition

This first four weeks of the season have been excruciating. A slew of insults added to injury has left many people eager to forget about this season. When yo momma jokes hit home, email tone instigates a work day panic attack, and people take Bill Simmons comments seriously, you know society has turned itself upside down and entered a bizarre nihilistic world where having no quarterback is better than having Tom Brady.

But like Jamaal Charles on Monday and Eddie Lacy last night, there is yet hope...that your opponent won't set their line up, so it's time to shake it off!

Here are the standings:

1. StarsAndBars 4-0-0

Jamie is gettin’ lucky with Andrew Luck, the highest scoring player and QB in fantasy this year. It wouldn’t be a surprise if Luck and Manning get cozy at the top of the scoring list.

2. YoMaMaCare 3-0-1

Yo momma is so dumb that I beat her in fantasy while playing Cam Newton. Anthony is running shot gun in the league but with an injured QB at the wheel. He just pulled off a high risk/high reward trade to acquire Shady McCoy, so that move may determine how long he stays undefeated.

3. Reggie Bust 3-1-0

Dana is putting his namesake to the test this week. With almost all of the Lions’ RBs hurt, Reggie Bush will have a chance to prove if he was worth drafting. But if Aaron Rodgers is back to form with Jordy Nelson, Dana could be dancing into the playoffs.

4. A Fighting Chance 3-1-0

Tom is in 4th place shunning any and all bonus points, and he won't shut up about it. With Russell and Beast Mode, he is riding with the Super Bowl Champion Seahawks and their unique training techniques.

5. Diplomatic Immunity 3-1-0

Giovanni Bernard sounds like either an international man of intrigue or a seminal work of gay literature, so it's befitting that he's David's best player. This fantasy rookie is comfortably in the top half of the league while also managing to pull off a beautiful wedding without a sweat.

6. The Supremes 2-1-1

With the most points in the league, Betsy has been on a war path, running over any who stands in her way. Like Anthony Kennedy on a split Supreme Court ruling, Betsy has been a tough swing vote on league votes, so b-beware if you cross her. Also if Eddie Lacy lives up to anywhere near his expectations, then Houston we have a problem.

7. Melissa's Team 2-2-0

Don’t be fooled by Melissa’s seemingly nonchalant management style. She just casually has the best two running backs in fantasy and could beat you without a full lineup. Well, actually that backfired for her last week (only by 3 points), but if we know Melissa, it’s a marathon, not a sprint.

8. Rose's Linebackers 2-2-0

M. Ryan, D. Bryant, and E...mmanuel Sanders go together like pork sausage, lychee, and habanero foam! Here’s hoping Billy’s team can stay healthy, and that I can come up with a gnocchi simile for the next post.

9. Sunday Funday 2-2-0

This season has been rough on Lauren. Her Washington National Football Team is struggling to say the least, and she autodrafted two Eagles. Her contempt of all things Philly was clear when she benched LeSean McCoy for Shonn Greene last week (losing only 0.7 points). But this is a new week for Lauren, having shipped off McCoy for Broncos back Montee Ball.

10. The Two-O-Tude 2-2-0

Patrick is also dominating at life by getting married last month. Fantasy-wise, life isn’t as joyous with a .500 record. Patrick needs Drew Brees to wake up soon to get back to the top half of the league.

      

11. Covert Action 2-2-0

Weddings, weddings, weddings! Krittika tied the knot last weekend, and just in time, because her fantasy team needed some love. She drafted RGIII and Carson Palmer who haven’t played since Week 2, but she’s spending the week in Hilton Head, so who's really losing at life?

12. A Warren G. Thang 1-3-0

Jon Stern has been moving and shaking this season, and it has brought him all the way to 12th place! Don’t feel too bad for him though, Jon got married too and is head over heels for Bishop Sankey (and Katie Mus).

    

13. DC Khaleesi 1-3-0

Miranda has had to watch her players get hurt week after week. She’s made some serviceable waiver wire pickups including the aptly named B. Quick. With the Broncos off their early bye week, we should fear Miranda, Peyton, and the Broncos.

   

14. StreetcarNamedDeSean 1-3-0

Luke winning the pre-season Best Team Name poll has been the highlight of his year. He is the unlucky owner of Adrian Peterson. He did get hitched last week and owns Matt Asiata, so Luke’s fighting on unabashed.

15. DC Mad Libs 0-4-0

Billy Gallager has the unfortunate distinction of having the most points played against him this year. Between Tony Romo and Eli Manning, Billy’s been riding a QB carousel so far. Billy does have a good receiving core, so perhaps a trade could turn his season around.

   

16. Gruden's Grindr 0-4-0

It’s the worst when your favorite team sucks and consequently your starting lineup made of your favorite team sucks. Such is life for Amanda and her beloved Tom Brady who just needs a hug. On paper, Amanda’s team looked good at the draft, but it may be time for some changes.

2014 Draft Order Contest

Our champion has decided that the 2014 Settlers of Cap Hill draft order will be determined by.... 

unicorns and kittens!

just kidding, it's Futbol!

The draft order will be determined by how well your team places in the World Cup (tie breaker is goals, then coin flip).

May the best team win!

WEEK 17 RECAP

Championship Recap

1. DC Khaleesi (12-3)

In her first year ever playing fantasy, Miranda simply danced all over the competition to become league champion and to win the Lucy. Peyton Manning and Jamaal Charles were not only #1 at their positions, but the top 2 players in all of fantasy. DC Khaleesi unleashed 7 TD games and 5 TD games at her whim and could even summon the magic of bonus points to build her empire.

Miranda's strategy of playing as many Denver Broncos as possible worked out for her. Waiver-wire-pickup-of-the-year Knowshon Moreno surprised Montee Ball owners to get the starting job. Matt Prater rounded out the powerful Broncos triumvirate because all he does is kick record-breaking 64 yard field goals.

In a move of shear genius, our own Commish has arranged for Miranda to meet her new idol and fantasy football MVP Peyton Manning in March.

2.Crannogmen (10-5)

Luke finished 2nd as his running backs underperformed this week. Jordan Todman was trending on Twitter Sunday morning, so Luke wasn't alone in starting him but with MJD back, Todman only touched the ball a few times. Luke did get an early Xmas present this week as Jets QB Geno Smith threw more completions than interceptions and helped the Jets win. Unfortunately for Luke, it was at the expense of the Cleveland defense.

Also his first time playing fantasy, Luke made a strong run at the end of the year to finish #2. First round draft pick CJ Spiller only scored in double digits 5 times this year, but the receiving corps usually made up the difference. Jimmy Graham was the top TE of the year and Antonio Brown was ballsy to say the least. Despite almost winning the championship, Luke may be remembered most for his valiant surprise appearance to help the Red team destroy the Blue team in volleyball.

3. Double Ent-Andres (8-7) snuck his way into third place and into the money.

The trophy and cash prizes will be awarded at our Super Bowl party on Sunday, February 2, 2014!

WEEK 16

DC Khaleesi (12-3)

Miranda was reeling after a disappointing performance by the Broncos on Thursday night, forsaking all hope. Luckily for her, the fantasy gods sent their guardian angel Jamaal Charles and his 55 point game. Miranda rolls into the finals averaging 145 points the playoffs.

VS.

Crannogmen (10-5)

Luke overcame Jimmy Graham only scoring 3 points this week to make it to the finals. The team's receivers are studs, Kaep is so excited that Crabtree is back, and 2 out of 3 RBs showed up. Luke’s been scouring the waiver wires, so let’s see if he has any aces up his sleeves.

Double Ent-Andres (8-7)

Poor Jon Stern. The master of the slow con gathered a formidable team by trading for underperforming players only to have to explode in his starting line up. After WR1 and team namesake Andre Johnson left his game with an injury, the death knell tolled for Jon’s team. RIP Double-Entendres.

 



Love Me Harbaughs (8-6)

Betsy came back from being in seventh place going into the playoffs to playing for third in the league--not a bad run. Alas, it came to an end with poor performances from some key players, including zero points from Stanford favorite Coby Fleener.

The Bob Fettweis Legacy Bowl

for worst team in the league.

                

And the loser is….

Touchdown Yeezus. Our beloved commish has given it all for this league, and that meant coming in dead last against all the newbies fighting it out at the top. Anthony tried to patch together a fighting team after suffering major injuries to 3 of his top 4 draft picks, but sadly he fell just short. We can all be sure that next year he will be ready to beat us all, so watch out!

WEEK 14 RECAP

Baby it’s cold outside!

Time to put your feet up to the fire and pick your favorite for The Lucy.

PLAYOFFS

SEMIFINAL 1

DC Khaleesi (11-3)

Peyton Manning silenced the haters who said he couldn’t play in cold weather (even though he lives in Denver). Jamaal Charles got an early Christmas present in the Washington National Football Team defense, and look there was a Marques Colston sighting! Miranda just keeps on rolling and they hating...

VS.

Double Ent-Andres (8-6)

Playing a team in Jon Stern’s beloved NFC East is truly a gift that keeps on giving (up fantasy points). The Chiefs scored 2 special team TDs, and Matt Forte ran circles around the Dallas defense. Julius Thomas not only playing but finding the end zone was also a sight for sore eyes.

SEMIFINAL 2

Crannogmen (9-5)

Luke has successfully played a carousel of players the past few weeks to make it to the semis. Jimmy Graham has proven to be the top TE in fantasy this year even with one hand tied behind his back, and Kennan Allen continues his ascension to top 10 WR status. Can he make the right QB and RB call again this week to make it to the finals?

VS.

Love Me Harbaughs (8-6)

Drew Brees shook off last week’s shellacking to reclaim his title of being the best shortest QB in NFL history. Betsy also made the call of the week playing Bobby Rainey (who?) over household names Danny Woodhead, Ryan Mathews, and Pierre Thomas. With an embarrassment of riches at RB and Flex, Betsy could be a tough matchup if Coby and Andrew can rekindle their Stanford love.

5. Think Like a Manning (8-6)

Sadly, it’s the end of the road for Think Like a Manning, who started with the number two seed in the playoffs. Matthew Stafford just couldn’t cut it in Philly, and even though Shane Vereen had a great game, it wasn’t enough to save Dana. He spent all season scraping together a formidable team, and he was lucky enough to have played Nick Foles in that one crazy week. When we remember Think Like a Manning, let’s remember those good times.

6. Bukkickers (7-7)

Who would have thought the Bukkickers would make it this far after Billy asked in week two, “you have to set your lineup every week?” It was a sad end to a great season, with Dwayne Bowe finally bringing in some points, and D. Jackson and R. Rice toughing out the white outs on their respective fields to bring in some respectable fantasy points for Billy. Luckily Billy has now boned up on some football knowledge and will most likely be raring to go for next year.

7. Sunday Funday (7-7)

Someone at the Washington NFL Team/Chiefs game had to end their losing streak, and unfortunately the outcome of that game meant a loss for Lauren as well as her beloved team. Womp womp. Lauren’s end coincides with RGIII’s potentially being benched for the rest of the year, so maybe this is for the best.

8. TEAM(youbetta)TWERK (7-7)

Jamie was in China during this week’s matchup, so lets just blame his poor performance on that. With three players scoring less than one point, it was a sad end for the twerkster.

The Bob Fettweis Legacy Bowl

for worst team in the league.

        VS         Touchdown Yeezus                      Lightning McCoy

A loss in the inaugural BFL bowl would really add insult to injury for the Commish. With Gronk going down, Anthony has now lost 3 of his first 4 draft picks to season-ending injuries. The tinker-bell of the league will need his endless scouring of the waiver wire to pay off this week to avoid disaster.

Krittika had a tough loss last week, but with 3 players scoring over 20 points, she goes into the BFL bowl as a favorite. After a rocky start to the season, Krittika managed to show some spark towards the end, and time will tell if she can make it out of the BFL bowl with her dignity intact.